Thursday, 26 August 2010

commitment problems

I think I have commitment problems.

Not just the fact that I can’t abide the same company for more than a few hours at a time but also with everything else; blogging a prime example.

I keep telling myself and others that I _will_ step up to the bar and keep a regular blog, but the last post if off my remembered dates of a calendar. I can’t seem to find a true motivation to keep it going even though I have so much that I think of I want to share and converse about.

I cannot truthfully say that I just ‘forget’ about my blog as I do look at my handy quick link on my internet bar almost every day thinking I should write an entry. Neither can I say I do not have the time as I do, it is pretty much the point of my life to find the time to write it and I do have spare time in which I think and analyse in my mind.

However, no matter how much I think about when I am in front of Microsoft word when that blank white space opens up in front of me my mind mirrors the connotation. I can hear the echo of failure in my head and I fear it that I just don’t even open the page sometimes and then repress the idea that I have to do this. It helps the physical emotion, but the inward feeling is left numb and guilty.

Unfortunately I tend to ramble a lot when I feel I am being forced to fill a word quota. This blog is for me and for my expression but it has become something I feel I am judged on. No-one reads it though so I don’t understand where this fear comes from.

They say that to admit a problem is the first step to deal with it and make it leave you, but I admit lots of my problems to myself, I even try to talk them out. Yet I have them all and they double as I have admitted I have them and so I constantly think I have them.

I am lost. This is my cry for help. I want someone to encourage me; I want someone to love me.